What to do...

So I searched for therapists that deal with PTSD and trauma. And to my (not so) surprise, when I went and had my first session with one, I went away feeling not believed and like I was making stuff out of nothing. Even though I told him I wanted to focus on the 'events' (his words) that happened at the hospital, he kept asking slightly irrelevant questions that I had already answered. I know part of that is standard practice trying to 'wear down' people who need to answer yes to those questions.

The only positive (in some freaky way) thing from the visit was that I got to go through everything, out loud that happened, not bothered by how I reacted and someone said "that sounds bad" which helped in some weird way. I'm not going back though. I've decided to try the counseling center on campus, where some younger, fresher minds might take me more seriously.

Defensiveness

It's been a while since I've posted, because, well, life happens. I've started back full-time in school, and I'm determined to get all A's this semester, so I've really been studying (not exactly demonstrated as I sit here writing a blog post). And also, I've been doing my damndest to not think about June. Well, obviously that hasn't worked.

In the past few months, I've had several run ins with people in the medical community and in childcare. Each time has not been easy or not stressful for me.

1. the Neurosurgeon has YET to call me back with his recommendation on what we need to do about Hayden's crooked head (his bones fused together too soon, so now they're 'compensating' and coming out all weirdly shaped). It took 5 messages for the nurse to call and give the the radiologists report, and so far I've left 4 messages for her about the doctor's report and have yet to hear anything back.

2. We had to switch pediatricians because the nurse lied and blatantly gave Hayden 5 shots when we had decided and only consented to 2 of them. Then she treated me like an idiot when I called about getting a copy of his records ("Well, make sure you find a doctor who takes your insurances." ummm.....DUUUUH!!!) I'm a college student with a nearly perfect GPA, you don't think I have enough brain power to make sure a prospective doctor TAKES MY INSURANCE?

3. Then there was the daycare that tried to tell me I had to bring paper diapers because state regulations said they had to use only throw away diapers and cloth was not allowed. Well, guess what? State daycare regulations are all posted online. There is no regulation. When I printed out a copy of the diaper changing section and asked which regulation they were referring to, she said "well, our inspector doesn't like it, so I assumed it was a regulation."

Now, a normal person would be miffed about these things, but I went ballistic. I find when something or someone that has to do with my baby challenges what I do or say, I find myself far more defensive and 'bitchy' than I am in other situations. I think this has everything to do with his birth. Sure, we could chalk it up to first time mom jitters and uppity-ness, but generally I'm a very laid back mom. I don't care that he's not on a set nap, feeding or sleeping schedule. I don't care if he finishes a bottle, so long as he eats soon enough after, I don't care if he has vomit on his socks, he's a baby and he's washable. But whenever someone 'challenges' my parenting style or his health, it's like my brain goes into Borg mode: kill all who oppose me!

I think I am compensating for

a)being the main caregiver, therefore the most informed parent (and thinking I have to fight enough for 2 parents)

b) not being defensive enough during my labor and letting all that happen, and now thinking that I have to 'make up' for what I put him through during labor and immediately following his delivery.

c) which may relate to the above, but I suppose I'm just sick of people trying to pull fast ones on me just because I'm young, new to parenting (and apparently I don't look very smart either). Like, I'm not going to find out what you did, or that you lied etc. I can read. I can read regulations, I can read shot records.

Hopefully I'll be able to discuss this with a therapist soon.

Today's the Day

Well, technically tomorrow is...

Hayden's CT scan is tomorrow....

in about 12 hours I'll be back at the hospital.

e tracked down an old scrip for Andrew's anti-anxiety meds and he said I could take one...

Luckily my mom is still sick, so she probably won't come to the hospital. I love my mom, but she just doesn't want to understand why I'm still 'hanging on to this' as she puts it. So I really don't want her there if I start losing my damn mind.

I'm hoping that I'll be so focused on keeping Hayden entertained and semi-calm in his starved state that I won't remember where we are (fingers crossed). But what's likely to happen is that I'll be freaking out about being at Covenant and about him screaming for food...shit.

If anyone stumbles upon this before 10 tomorrow morning...please send good vibes, prayers, thoughts, whatever it is you want to send..our way. We need it.

PS. Happy Thanksgiving

Adavan Halen

So I called Hayden's neurosurgeon yesterday to see if there was any way we could do the test at UMC instead of Covenant. Big. Fat. NOPE. She said our insurance only approved the test through Covenant (I'm not sure why) and that the doctor doesn't have privileges at UMC anymore. So I told Andrew we were going to have to get his Adavan refilled in case I started freaking out. We have to be there ALL day. So on top of the anxiety of knowing my son is under general anesthesia at 5 months old and what they'll find on this scan, is the knowledge that just give or take a few floors, I was assaulted by people who were supposed to take care of me. How the hell am I supposed to willingly walk back into that place? Park in the same parking lot? Walk through the same doors? Check in at the same security desk?

I was on the bus on campus riding from the parking lot to my building, had my mp3 player on and just all of a sudden started freaking out and near tears thinking about it. I texted Andrew we were on red alert for the day and if I called he had better answer. I wanted to go home so badly, but I knew if I stayed that at least class would distract me until I could get home. Apparently sleep deprivation makes me emotionally ragged and edgy...

Sometimes I think about just screwing it and having another baby right now. Just to have something in front of those memories. But then I remember: I'm in school, we have debt to pay off, and until I can deal with this more, I don't think my homebirth will be the healing, amazing experience it could be. It would be just another way of pushing back what happened, and I want to get rid of it. I want to deal with it, acknowledge it and never have to worry about it again. That's my hope anyway. I really wish there was some sort of sympathetic professional I could talk to, but right now we just can't afford it. Plus my mom would wonder what I was doing and she thinks that I'm just being 'silly'

God just sitting here and letting myself think about it for a few seconds and I just want to throw up. Why haven't we invented a time machine yet?

Official petition to ban mondays....

So my last post got me thinking, that while we're in the waiting game with Hayden and I'm swamped with school, (therefore leaving no time for some I'm thinking much needed therapy) I can use this. Just to get it all out and hopefully feel a little better because of it.

Now for a little off-topic vent:

Mondays B-L-O-W. BLOW. Hayden woke up 3 times last night to eat and had soaked his diaper each time. Then when I think I'm going to get a little bit of sleep at his 5:20am wake up since Andrew is up, nope, Andrew has to take care of something. We played until nearly 8am! And then he screamed and screamed for 40 minutes before finally going to sleep. Until it was 30 minutes later and time to eat again, so he started crying AGAIN. So we ate, and he fell asleep while I was on Facebook. Went to lay him in his crib because at this point I hadn't eaten, peed, taken my meds...nothing. I lay him down and soothe him a little and go to let the dog out. I hear him screaming from the backyard. Awesome. Go in there, flip him back over, turn on his music player and he goes back to sleep. Not. Wakes up screaming. Like the my mom just dropped me on my head kind of screaming. I dance, bounce shoosh and rock around for 10 minutes to this earsplitting noise. Well I'm starting to get dizzy from lack of food and the crying, so I give up and lay him down, bundle him up, give him a pacifier and go to leave. Run right into the door frame with the side of my face. cut my temple, broke my glasses and now I have a major headache. On top of that...he STILL isn't asleep! He's whining in his crib probably turned sideways and on his back. I don't understand WHY he can't nap at home?

So now I have to put off all my phone calls (credit card, insurance, Hayden's neurosurgeon) there was gonna be a lot of ass-chewing this morning, but I guess it'll have to wait since I have no idea when the little ticking time bomb is going to go off again...

On a more related note, Hayden went to see a neurosurgeon for a bump behind his ear. They scheduled a CT scan for the day before Thanksgiving. At the hospital where he was born. I. Don't. Think. So. I have to call the nurse, and without sounding like a complete lunatic ask if they can do it at the university hospital instead. I can't go back to that place yet. I would like to never go back to that place. I freaked out just having to go to the office building that's like 1/4 mile away from there. I can't be freaking out when I'm supposed to be taking care of my son. So going there is I think not an option right now. Or I'm going to have to take one of Andrew's anxiety pills and hope for the best...

Will post with updates (unless I fall asleep and die from a concussion). Gonna go try and call a few of my list. BLAH

Not as progressed as I thought

I have realized through accidents and quiet nights, I have not progressed in dealing with Hayden's birth as I once thought. Though the total emotional breakdowns have lessened and spaced out, they still occur, and sometimes with an unrelenting force. First they seemed to happen just at night, when all was quiet and dark, when there was nothing to focus on except the aimless thoughts floating through my mind. Then the 'what-ifs' start. "what if I had just said no to the Pit?" "What if Andrew had been in the room when I requested to stay mobile?" one after the other after the other. They domino on me until I'm physically, mentally and emotionally overwhelmed and breakdown into tears. Sometimes silently, sometimes voiced, but they all hold the same pain. The same pain of what happened, what didn't happen, and what could have happened. The memories of nurses pushing my knees apart and shoving a hand inside me, never asking permission. Memories of the doctor shoving a hook into my waterbag and exposing my son to air, germs and infection, and screwing something into my son's head, elbow deep inside me, and leaving afterwards without a word, smile or anything.

I thought I was making progress. I told my story start to finish about 4 times, making it all the way through without crying the last 2 times. But one day, without warning, (while looking for a new picture to put on my desktop, I stumbled upon the picture of the doctor vacuuming Hayden from my body, expediting a process that should have taken its own time. This image, this brutal loss of control sent me spiraling into tears on one of the nicest, sunniest days of my life. How could one image do that to me so suddenly while I was sitting there, elated from chatting with my adorable son only moments before? What could this be.

Later, driving, When I thought about the doctor breaking my water and remembering that excruciating pain, I instinctively slammed my legs together, as an attempt to protect myself from that pain again.

Why was the birth of my son, my first child, the most joyous day of my life, ruined and turned into something I'd rather never think about again. Why am I the mother that would be perfectly happy to not remember a thing about my son's birth day? I didn't ask for that. I didn't deserve that.

I need help. I know it. But why do I have this dark feeling that no matter what professional I talk to, the likelihood of them believing me, understanding my pain, is minimal? They haven't read the stories I've read, both good and bad, of how birth can be. Of how birth SHOULD be. It shouldn't be something we dread and wish to forget. It should be celebrated, revered and supported. My body is amazing. My body was not broken. My body knew what to do. I was told I was broken, that I couldn't do it on my own and that I needed help. No one should ever be told "You can't" when it's physiologically a fact that WE CAN!

Please tell me if you or anyone you know feels this way or has experienced something like this. Bonus if you live in/close to Lubbock. I know I'm not alone. And you aren't either.

OK, so I don't want this to become a blog about the boring randomness that is my life (seriously) but this post, alas will probably be more random thoughts and facts.

Today is Andrew and mine's one month wedding anniversary. So sorry all you who had your money on us not lasting this long...you just lost! =) Though we've had our issues, I love this guy more than even I understand (and I'm pretty smart, too). We celebrated by, well, doing nothing because we have a baby lol and I have a cold. Sad day for us. We'll live though, I'm sure.

Hayden also has a cold. And cutting a tooth. So needless to say, this has not been one of his happier days. I feel bad for the kid, because he just doesn't understand that all my snuggles and kisses are the only thing I can do to help him feel better.

Our Cloth diapers are in transit. Speaking of cloth diapers, check out these: http://guerillahandbags.blogspot.com/2009/09/spread-word-win-some-stuff.html we are making the big switch soon and these are soooo cute! Makes me want to start trying for our girl right now just so I can use these diapers! lol I figure even with just two babies, the savings will be monumentous, plus it's a lot less gross to wash dirty diapers than to think about them rotting in a landfill and possibly contaminating the groundwater that my babies will one day be drinking. =( And they're just too cute! lol

I think that's all I have for now. Gonna take some nyquil and pass out. Thanks for reading!