What to do...

So I searched for therapists that deal with PTSD and trauma. And to my (not so) surprise, when I went and had my first session with one, I went away feeling not believed and like I was making stuff out of nothing. Even though I told him I wanted to focus on the 'events' (his words) that happened at the hospital, he kept asking slightly irrelevant questions that I had already answered. I know part of that is standard practice trying to 'wear down' people who need to answer yes to those questions.

The only positive (in some freaky way) thing from the visit was that I got to go through everything, out loud that happened, not bothered by how I reacted and someone said "that sounds bad" which helped in some weird way. I'm not going back though. I've decided to try the counseling center on campus, where some younger, fresher minds might take me more seriously.

Defensiveness

It's been a while since I've posted, because, well, life happens. I've started back full-time in school, and I'm determined to get all A's this semester, so I've really been studying (not exactly demonstrated as I sit here writing a blog post). And also, I've been doing my damndest to not think about June. Well, obviously that hasn't worked.

In the past few months, I've had several run ins with people in the medical community and in childcare. Each time has not been easy or not stressful for me.

1. the Neurosurgeon has YET to call me back with his recommendation on what we need to do about Hayden's crooked head (his bones fused together too soon, so now they're 'compensating' and coming out all weirdly shaped). It took 5 messages for the nurse to call and give the the radiologists report, and so far I've left 4 messages for her about the doctor's report and have yet to hear anything back.

2. We had to switch pediatricians because the nurse lied and blatantly gave Hayden 5 shots when we had decided and only consented to 2 of them. Then she treated me like an idiot when I called about getting a copy of his records ("Well, make sure you find a doctor who takes your insurances." ummm.....DUUUUH!!!) I'm a college student with a nearly perfect GPA, you don't think I have enough brain power to make sure a prospective doctor TAKES MY INSURANCE?

3. Then there was the daycare that tried to tell me I had to bring paper diapers because state regulations said they had to use only throw away diapers and cloth was not allowed. Well, guess what? State daycare regulations are all posted online. There is no regulation. When I printed out a copy of the diaper changing section and asked which regulation they were referring to, she said "well, our inspector doesn't like it, so I assumed it was a regulation."

Now, a normal person would be miffed about these things, but I went ballistic. I find when something or someone that has to do with my baby challenges what I do or say, I find myself far more defensive and 'bitchy' than I am in other situations. I think this has everything to do with his birth. Sure, we could chalk it up to first time mom jitters and uppity-ness, but generally I'm a very laid back mom. I don't care that he's not on a set nap, feeding or sleeping schedule. I don't care if he finishes a bottle, so long as he eats soon enough after, I don't care if he has vomit on his socks, he's a baby and he's washable. But whenever someone 'challenges' my parenting style or his health, it's like my brain goes into Borg mode: kill all who oppose me!

I think I am compensating for

a)being the main caregiver, therefore the most informed parent (and thinking I have to fight enough for 2 parents)

b) not being defensive enough during my labor and letting all that happen, and now thinking that I have to 'make up' for what I put him through during labor and immediately following his delivery.

c) which may relate to the above, but I suppose I'm just sick of people trying to pull fast ones on me just because I'm young, new to parenting (and apparently I don't look very smart either). Like, I'm not going to find out what you did, or that you lied etc. I can read. I can read regulations, I can read shot records.

Hopefully I'll be able to discuss this with a therapist soon.