Adavan Halen

So I called Hayden's neurosurgeon yesterday to see if there was any way we could do the test at UMC instead of Covenant. Big. Fat. NOPE. She said our insurance only approved the test through Covenant (I'm not sure why) and that the doctor doesn't have privileges at UMC anymore. So I told Andrew we were going to have to get his Adavan refilled in case I started freaking out. We have to be there ALL day. So on top of the anxiety of knowing my son is under general anesthesia at 5 months old and what they'll find on this scan, is the knowledge that just give or take a few floors, I was assaulted by people who were supposed to take care of me. How the hell am I supposed to willingly walk back into that place? Park in the same parking lot? Walk through the same doors? Check in at the same security desk?

I was on the bus on campus riding from the parking lot to my building, had my mp3 player on and just all of a sudden started freaking out and near tears thinking about it. I texted Andrew we were on red alert for the day and if I called he had better answer. I wanted to go home so badly, but I knew if I stayed that at least class would distract me until I could get home. Apparently sleep deprivation makes me emotionally ragged and edgy...

Sometimes I think about just screwing it and having another baby right now. Just to have something in front of those memories. But then I remember: I'm in school, we have debt to pay off, and until I can deal with this more, I don't think my homebirth will be the healing, amazing experience it could be. It would be just another way of pushing back what happened, and I want to get rid of it. I want to deal with it, acknowledge it and never have to worry about it again. That's my hope anyway. I really wish there was some sort of sympathetic professional I could talk to, but right now we just can't afford it. Plus my mom would wonder what I was doing and she thinks that I'm just being 'silly'

God just sitting here and letting myself think about it for a few seconds and I just want to throw up. Why haven't we invented a time machine yet?